What Are You Gaining from Staying Where You Are? [ep. #199]
Hello lovely lady and welcome to The Subconscious Expert!
Are you an ambitious female entrepreneur who feels stuck, even though you’re doing all the right things? You have big goals, but something keeps holding you back from taking the action you know will move your business forward.
In this episode, we’re tackling secondary gain, the subconscious benefits you’re getting from staying exactly where you are. Whether it’s avoiding failure, protecting yourself from judgment, or even receiving attention and love, these hidden emotional payoffs could be the reason you haven’t hit your next level yet.
I’ll walk you through how secondary gain shows up in business, and most importantly, how we break through these subconscious blocks.
We’ll explore practical tools like reframing, visualisation, and timeline therapy so you can finally release the patterns that are keeping you safe but stuck and step into the success you’re ready for.
Topics covered on Secondary Gain:
What is secondary gain from a subconscious and neuroscience perspective?
How secondary gain may affect your ability to receive love, attention, and connection
Common secondary gains entrepreneurs experience in business
Subconscious techniques to identify and move through secondary gain
Exercises to uncover your own secondary gain
Connect with Rebecca Haydon:
Quote:
“Your subconscious mind's number one priority is to keep you safe and comfortable. It is not concerned about your success or happiness.“ - Rebecca Haydon
Transcription:
Our AI tried its best, but expect a few quirky typos in the transcript. Embrace the imperfections and enjoy the read!
[00:00:00] You are listening to The Subconscious Expert, the podcast where your subconscious becomes your one way ticket to the mind blowing results you desire in your life and business. I've said it before, and I will say it a hundred times again, your business cannot outgrow your mindset. And if you want to grow your business, it always starts with growing your subconscious.
[00:00:26] So let's dive into the subconscious breakthrough you so deeply deserve. Well, hello, my gorgeous lady. How the devil are you? Welcome back to The Subconscious Expert. I hope you're well. And yes, as always today, we are diving so very deep. into the subconscious mind and into one particular thing that I see happening that happens within said subconscious mind quite often.
[00:00:56] Now, as you can see on the title itself called, What Are You Gaining From Staying Where You Are? We are actually talking today about secondary gain. Now, you may have heard me talk about this In the podcast, if you have binged, which I know many of you do, which I am internally grateful for, I love more than anything receiving messages saying I am, like, top binger of this podcast.
[00:01:25] Like, that is the reason why I do these podcasts, because I just love being in your ears. I love that there's a catalogue of podcasts that you can go back to wherever you are, walking, in the shower, driving, hello, all the time. I'm so grateful that you're here. But yes, today we are looking at the concept of secondary gain.
[00:01:44] And if you haven't heard of this before, it's probably the reason why you are staying a little bit stuck in your life or in your business right now. Now, in this episode, we are diving very deep into into the concept of secondary gain. I'm going to explain all about it and what is happening from that hidden subconscious benefit that is keeping you stuck even when so very bloody consciously you Want to move forward.
[00:02:19] We're going to have a look at how the secondary game might be showing up in your business right now. Whether it's avoiding failure, avoiding success, seeking attention, avoiding responsibility, and actually how these emotional payoffs that you're getting from kind of keeping yourself stuck. And I know I bloody know that consciously you're not keeping yourself stuck.
[00:02:42] Consciously, you're like, get me to my motherfucking dreams. I am ready. But subconsciously, it has other ideas, doesn't it? I know you know. And actually, what these emotional payoffs from your secondary gains, and I'm going to give you lots of exercises to find your secondary gains and to understand your secondary gains.
[00:03:04] And What kind of is happening to block you from the success that you desire? Because that's what I'm bloody here to do. So, before we dive into how secondary gain truly affects your business, I want to really break down what it means from both an obvious subconscious and neuroscience perspective because that's what we do around here.
[00:03:28] Now, secondary gain, welcome into the chat, is essentially The hidden subconscious benefit, most important word being benefit, that you are getting from staying stuck or not achieving a goal. Like I said, even if, so consciously, you want to move forward, you want that goal. Now, it sounds very counterintuitive and you're like, Beck, what the hell?
[00:04:01] But here's why it happens. Now, I've said on the podcast a thousand times, if you've listened and binged, the subconscious mind's number one priority, number one job on its job role, CV, is to keep you safe and comfortable. It is not concerned about your success, it's not concerned about your happiness, it's not concerned about your 10k months.
[00:04:29] It's not even concerned about you achieving the goals on your vision board and how many Pinterest boards you do around that. That's your conscious mind's job. The subconscious only cares about keeping you in familiar Predictable situations. Because to your brain, to your mind, predictability equals safety.
[00:04:56] This is why we get stuck in habits that don't serve us because they are predictable. This is why we do the same thing day in day out because it's predictable. We like the familiar because familiar equals safety. Now we know as business owners. Business doesn't always feel familiar and you have to put yourself out there.
[00:05:19] You have to be constantly stretching your comfort zone. So we are in unfamiliar places and spaces in our business all the time. Especially when we look at social media, you know, things Change so quickly and so often with social media that things can become unfamiliar quite quickly in your business. And what that does to your subconscious mind is it puts on the big warning signs and it goes, oh my God, we are now unsafe.
[00:05:47] So when we talk about safety from a neuroscience perspective, we're really talking about literally our brains being wired for survival. And I've spoke about the amygdala. Time and time again, which is that fear center of your brain, it's always scanning for danger. And the job of that is to protect you that from anything, like literally anything, that might feel or seem like a threat.
[00:06:16] And here's the thing, and here's the key, your brain can't always tell the difference between a physical threat, like a predator, or a lion, or a tiger, or a bear, oh my, and a perceived threat like failure, judgment, or rejection in your business. And actually, it cannot tell the difference between this physical threat of like, oh my god, I'm being chased down the road with a man.
[00:06:51] with a knife versus a perceived threat of oh my god people might judge me if i put this video up and what happens is you behave like a man is chasing you down the road with a knife about putting a video up because it cannot tell the difference, the failure, the judgment, the rejection, etc. So even though consciously you want to grow, you want to hit those multi five figure months, you want to have a multi six figure year, you want to land those incredibly aligned high caliber clients, your subconscious might right now See that growth as risky.
[00:07:33] What if you're judged? What if you fail? What if you embarrass yourself? What if success brings more responsibility that you will not be able to handle? These are perceived threats. This is all of the next level work that I do, especially in the membership for October. We are purely focusing on breaking through the next level.
[00:07:58] Come and join us if you want more of this goodness, but that is what's happening. And When you have all of these question marks of these perceived threats, and I want you to really remember that word, and maybe that's a question that you bring in to the subconscious work that you're doing, what am I viewing or what is my subconscious viewing as a perceived threat right now?
[00:08:24] But it's your brain's way of keeping you safe, and the brain's way of keeping you safe is holding you back from, from the things, the action, or the action. Sometimes not even the action. Sometimes people are taking the action. The belief that would actually lead to your success. The belief, the confidence, the trust.
[00:08:48] Sometimes it's not about the action. Sometimes it's about the belief behind the action that's going to lead to success. Now, this is truly where secondary gain kicks in because the gain And that word gain is the hidden benefit you receive by staying in your current situation, by staying small, by staying in avoidance mode.
[00:09:11] I see that so often, especially when people want to invest. They go into avoidance. Or procrastination. For example, if you're avoiding putting yourself out there, the secondary gain might be that you're also avoiding criticism and failure. If you are not raising your prices, the potential secondary gain is you are avoiding rejection.
[00:09:41] Because, lo and behold, what if no one pays your new prices? Now, on the surface, it seems like you're protecting yourself from pain, but what you're really doing is you're keeping yourself in a state of safety. And you are keeping yourself in a safe, a safe of safety? Put me teeth back in. You are keeping yourself in a state of safety, Based on your brain's outdated wiring, and this is why, from neuroplasticity, we rewire your subconscious mind when you are in my world.
[00:10:22] Now, this, whilst it might be working to keep you safe, Is also keeping you stuck, and it's also preventing you from reaching your bloody goals. Now, the brain has a tendency to stick, like I said earlier in the podcast, to stick with these familiar patterns and the res, the, the part of your brain that's responsible for the habits and the routines when you've been operating in a certain way for so long.
[00:10:50] For time. For example, let's say that you are used to a certain level of income or a certain type of client, your brain actually creates a neural pathway that supports those behaviours. And trying to change these habits even for the better is going to trigger discomfort because you are disrupting those well worn neural pathways and that's, you know, that's why even when you want to grow it can feel uncomfortable or it can even feel scary and horrible and really uncomfortable and people do say when they work with me they feel uncomfortable and that's when I know that the job is working, the things be working, but It feels scary and uncomfortable to step outside the familiar.
[00:11:41] And this is why it's so fricking powerful to understand your secondary gain. Because a lot of the time it's mistaken for a lack of motivation or a lack of discipline or being lazy. It's actually sometimes about your subconscious mind believing that staying stuck is actually the safer option. I'm going to hit the pause button on that one.
[00:12:10] It's sometimes your subconscious mind believing that staying stuck is the safer option. Ooh, it feels uncomfortable to hear that, I know. But once you become aware of this dynamic, of the secondary gain of what's going on, we can start to reprogram your brain. And we want to make growth and success feel just as safe and just as familiar and just as comfortable as where you are now.
[00:12:46] That's the job. That's what I do. That is the crux of it. It is really about making your growth and making the success you desire feel just as safe, just as familiar, and just as comfortable as where you are now. Now, I'm going to take this a little step further because sometimes, this might open your eyes a little bit, so buckle in, but sometimes secondary gain isn't always about avoidance.
[00:13:17] Like, avoiding failure, avoiding judgment. Sometimes, the gain you're getting from staying stuck is emotional, like attention, like sympathy, maybe even love. Now, when we think about why we're stuck, we usually, a lot of the time, I see people focus on external factors. Right. I'm not doing enough. The strategy isn't working.
[00:13:48] I'm not posting enough or whatever that is. The truth is sometimes staying in a place of struggle or challenge in your business more so brings emotional reward that we aren't even aware of. I have spoke about this quite a lot. For example, this was mine. Staying where you are might allow you to play the victim and I know that sounds really harsh and the reason why I can speak about it is because this was my secondary game.
[00:14:22] Come on in. Um, but if you are struggling and you share that struggle, you kind of become addicted to that struggle and talking about that struggle and being in the struggle, you are getting attention. More people are giving you attention. More people might be giving you support, or sympathy, or maybe even you feel more loved.
[00:14:49] Because people are helping you through the tough times. And I get it, we 100 percent want all of that, but in the right space and for the right reasons. Because actually what's happening with that is that's an emotional payoff. And when you have an emotional payoff, that is something your subconscious sees as beneficial.
[00:15:10] Why would you want to get rid of the struggle? Because the struggle equals love, care, and attention. And your subconscious mind goes, oh, if we move out of the struggle and we be successful, I will not receive love, care, and attention. So I really had to do the work on moving out of that and creating safety in the success and knowing that I get love, care and attention even when I'm successful and actually it's way more beneficial for me and it's way healthier.
[00:15:44] Now, maybe another example is your secondary gain is getting to avoid responsibility. I see this a lot when I'm working with clients moving into that next level. Because, let's, let's be actually real. Like, if you actually hit that next level of success, You would probably be expected to maintain it.
[00:16:07] People are going to look at you as the expert and there potentially might be a perceived pressure to keep performing at that level. So the secondary gain could be freedom from that pressure by staying in a space where you don't have to face responsibility. Another example that I see come up a lot with clients is gaining love and connection.
[00:16:32] You might stay small because you're afraid that if you outgrow the people around you, you'll lose connection with them. Or maybe you're used to people giving you love and attention when you're struggling and there's a part of you that believes if you succeed, love might go away. That's a huge one that comes up with my clients.
[00:16:56] A huge one. There is these emotional payoffs, and some of this might be resonating, and pennies dropping left, right, and center all around you right now, but these emotional payoffs are a huge part of why secondary gain is so powerful, and it's so important, like I said earlier, to understand that it's not about being lazy, it's not about being unmotivated.
[00:17:19] I know no one in my audience is lazy or unmotivated. It's your subconscious is holding on to these deeper, pretty much emotional rewards. And until we acknowledge them, and until we speak to them, and until we reframe them and work through them subconsciously, they will keep influencing your behaviour.
[00:17:43] But here's the bloody thing, honey pie, you don't need to stay stuck to receive love, to receive attention, to receive connection, to feel safe. And actually, by recognizing these patterns, using the tools like I do in my world, NLP, hypnotherapy, you can start to really shift these subconscious beliefs, and really start to create these new empowering ways to experience love, to experience attention, to experience connection, without sacrificing your growth and success.
[00:18:18] That truly was the biggest thing that I ever did, was to work through. My victim part because my victim part was so hung up on the attention that I got when I played the victim That why would I ever want to move out of that because I got attention when I played the victim But I had to teach and rewire my neural pathways to let my subconscious know That I can get attention in healthier better ways by not playing the victim so Here we are.
[00:18:48] Now you know what a bloody secondary gain is and you're like, oh, well this all makes sense. Wow, I feel called out. What am I going to freaking do about it, Rebecca? Now that we've defined secondary gain and we've understood the neuroscience behind it, I want to really talk about how you start to recognise your own secondary gain.
[00:19:06] Now, what I want you to do with this is I want you to become quite neutral about this because Recognising your own secondary gains sometimes can be quite, um, a job. I'm not going to use the word hard or challenging. But when you are living with you all the time, and your behaviours, and your programming, it's quite hard to see it.
[00:19:28] That's why I have a lot of clients come to work with me, that's why I have people in the membership, because I am the observer. I'm not in your head. So I can see things that you currently can't see, and actually I can see things that you're doing that your subconscious is currently not allowing you to see too.
[00:19:46] So the first question, a very simple question, is pretty much the title of the podcast episode, is what am I gaining from staying where I am? Simple as that. What am I gaining from staying where I am? Now, this actually might be a tough question to answer because it's not always obvious, like I said, but start by thinking about what you might be avoiding.
[00:20:14] Now, whether that's by not taking action, whether that's by overthinking, whether that's by holding onto a certain belief, whether that's by not looking at your bank account, whatever. You want to look at, what am I gaining from staying where I am? And really start to have a look, now I've made you aware, of some of the behaviours that are coming up.
[00:20:47] Then you can have a look at the fear that comes up around that. So, what am I gaining from it? And how does staying where I am keep me safe? The last question on this, this is just some self reflection prompts to start you off and I'm going to give you a couple of exercises to finish the podcast, is if I achieved X, whatever goal or monetary or whatever you're trying to achieve right now, what might change in my life that I'm subconsciously afraid of?
[00:21:24] Again, listen to the first things that come up. Sometimes your subconscious is ready to give you the answers. You might have to dig a little bit deeper. So, three very important questions. What am I getting from staying where I am? That might give you enough. How does staying where I am keep me safe?
[00:21:45] Because that's when we can start to see, okay, like, currently it's this that's keeping me safe, so then we can move through whatever that is. And if I achieved this said goal, what might change in my life that I am subconsciously afraid of? Now, these couple of journal prompts are going to start to bring out the hidden fears and probably the subconscious beliefs to the surface, which is going to allow you to see what's stopping you from gaining confidence.
[00:22:16] What you want. So just explore those. No judgment. Completely neutral. Just explore those three questions. The next thing that I want you to do is I actually want you to do what I call a cost benefit analysis. And this is a bit of a grab a pen and grab a piece of paper because I want you to do a cost benefit analysis on staying stuck versus moving forward.
[00:22:47] So we're literally, as we many, as we do when we're making decisions, we are weighing up the pros and cons of staying where you are versus moving to where you want to be. So literally grab yourself a piece of paper, draw down a line, the middle of the piece of paper to create those two columns. On the left side, I want you to say the benefits of staying stuck, which Always feels a little bit weird.
[00:23:13] And then on the right side, I want you to, um, put the cost of staying stuck. So in the left column, the benefits of staying stuck, I want you to list all the things you gain from staying where you are. Emotional, physical, financial, it could be avoiding failure, receiving, receiving attention, receiving love, staying comfortable, whatever it is.
[00:23:42] All of the benefits that you're getting from staying where you are. What are you gaining from staying where you are? Then on the right side, on the cost of staying stuck, I want you to list the costs. What is it costing you to stay stuck? Missed opportunities, not growing your business, lower income, frustration, dissatisfaction, whatever that is.
[00:24:09] So you've got that one. The benefits of staying stuck and the costs of staying stuck. And then I want you to get a new piece of paper and I want you to do the benefits of moving forwards and the costs of moving forwards. So again, like you did the last one, you're going to do it for moving forward. So you do benefits and costs of staying stuck and then on another piece of paper you do benefits of moving forwards and costs of moving forwards.
[00:24:39] After you've filled out all four of those sections, I want you to ask yourself, are the benefits of staying stuck really worth the costs? Now what this is going to do. One of my favourites, a logical exercise that helps you see in a tangible way how your secondary gain is fricking impacting your life and your business right now.
[00:25:05] Because by writing it down and having it in front of you in black and white, you are going to be forced to confront the reality of how much staying in your comfort zone is costing you. And that's it. Sometimes is a little bit uncomfortable and that's okay because I want to get you uncomfortable with this.
[00:25:25] So such a good exercise. So you've got one page that's benefits of staying stuck, costs of staying stuck. You've got another page that's benefits of moving forwards, costs of moving forwards and then literally write them down. And have a little look, have a little look. The last thing that we can do as well is really reprogramming the subconscious for success.
[00:25:48] Now, obviously within all this, you want to be having a look at your limiting beliefs. You want to have a look at anything that's coming up in the way of stories. This is where probably jumping into the membership is going to be quite beneficial for you. You know that I love talking about the membership and I will sell the membership in a podcast every day because I fricking love it.
[00:26:06] I literally love it, I love everything about it, and I know how helpful it is, so please jump in there if you want more support. The last thing that we can do is really reprogram the subconscious for success, which is almost through, you know, through visualization. Because we want to create new neural pathways, we want to make, like I said at the beginning, success feel safe.
[00:26:30] So, I want you to first visualize yourself in your current situation, so imagine what it feels like to stay where you are, and I want you to notice any feelings of Comfort or safety, probably even relief sometimes, and allow yourself to really acknowledge that those feelings exist. And then I want you to visualize yourself in the goal that you've maybe been avoiding, or that you're blocking yourself from, or you really want to move into, and it's not really happening.
[00:26:58] And I want you to, as you see yourself stepping into that new level of success, imagine how it will feel. If it were safe, and to be honest, you can bring this into every visualization that you do of the future, everything that you're working on, really bring in the safety around it. So picture yourself confident, confidently taking action, surrounded by support, thriving in this new place.
[00:27:26] Focus on the real emotions, excitement, pride, calm, joy, really anchor those emotions in. But more importantly, really visualise the safety in that space, the safety in your new level, in your next level, because what that does and what visualisation does, and this is why I do it so often for my clients and for myself, is that visualization really works on the subconscious by creating familiarity.
[00:28:00] And that's what they, that's what it wants, right? Because your subconscious doesn't know the difference between what is real and what's not. So the more that you visualize your success as a safe and positive experience, the less your brain is going to resist it. And we really want to like, anchor those emotions in.
[00:28:19] Right. I hope that's been helpful today. So, I really, really encourage you to take some time to reflect today on really where you are experiencing the secondary gain in your business or your life, wherever you're working on right now. What are you gaining from staying where you are? What is your subconscious trying to protect you from?
[00:28:42] And most importantly, how can you start to create safety In that next level, so you can move through it. If you do want to dive deeper into this work, I would love to help you inside the membership. The link is in the show notes, but that is it from me today. Go forward and do those journal prompts. I love you so much and thank you so much for tuning in again.
[00:29:04] You know how much I love the podcast and I will see you in the next episode. Love ya! I love to see you plugging in and listening to the podcast every week. So, whilst you're here, I would love for you to spend a moment sharing your favourite episode, reviewing the podcast, and of course, that juicy 5 star rating.
[00:29:27] These little acts of kindness really help the podcast reach more incredible powerhouses just like you. Now, if we're not connected on Instagram, add me at underscore Rebecca Haydon underscore, and for the full show notes and more resources, head over to RebeccaHaydon. com. I'll see you there.
More about The Subconscious Expert:
Welcome to The Subconscious Expert, the podcast where your subconscious becomes your one-way ticket to the mind-blowing results you desire in your life and business! I’m your host, Rebecca Haydon, The Subconscious Expert who went from being stuck in victim mode to a multi 6 figure business owner. Each week, I will be giving you the subconscious tools and techniques so you can become the woman who is living out her vision with a life and business that she is truly OBSESSED with. I have said it before, and I will say it 100 times again: "Your business can't outgrow your mindset, and if you want to grow your business, it always starts with growing your subconscious." So let's dive into the subconscious breakthrough you so deeply deserve!