Why You’re So Hard on Yourself (and How to Finally Stop!) [ep. #260]
Hello lovely lady and welcome to The Subconscious Expert!
How often do you end your day thinking, "I could have done more"? If you're a high achiever constantly pushing, criticising, never feeling like enough, I have news for you. It's your subconscious protecting you.
That voice that says, "work harder, fix it, you're not there yet," isn't discipline. It's not your high achiever nature. It's a part of you that learnt a long time ago that performance equals safety. And now? It's bloody exhausted!
In today's episode, I'm taking you back to where that subconscious pattern started, and we're going to use parts work to meet the part that makes you so hard on yourself. We'll uncover the limiting beliefs that keep you in this cycle, find out why it fights so hard when you try to rest, and I'll show you how to not be so hard on yourself through subconscious mind reprogramming so you can finally rest without feeling guilty.
Because you can be ambitious, successful, and still be nice to yourself. Wild concept, I know! If stillness feels dangerous and your to-do list shows up the second you sit down, this episode is for you. Let's stop confusing pressure with protection.
Topics covered on Why You’re So Hard on Yourself:
Why does being hard on yourself feel like the only way to stay safe?
What if the voice pushing you isn’t discipline, but a terrified part trying to protect you?
How did your subconscious learn that performance equals love and acceptance?
Why does rest feel so dangerous when you’ve trained your brain that constant motion means safety?
What happens when you acknowledge the part that’s been pushing you for years instead of fighting it?
Is it possible to rewire your brain to crave rest as much as it currently craves pressure?
How do high achievers break free from the dopamine-cortisol loop?
Connect with Rebecca Haydon:
Quote:
"Being hard on yourself isn't discipline. It's self-protection.” - Rebecca Haydon
Transcription:
Our AI tried its best, but expect a few quirky typos in the transcript. Embrace the imperfections and enjoy the read!
Hey gorgeous, and welcome back to The Subconscious Expert. Today, we’re getting real about why you might be so hard on yourself, because let’s face it, so many of us are. If you’re a high achiever who’s ever felt stuck because of those sneaky limiting beliefs, you’re in the right place. We’ll talk about how parts work and subconscious mind reprogramming can help you break free from old patterns and truly rewire your brain for more self-compassion and success. And of course, I’ll be answering that big question: how to not be so hard on yourself. This episode is all about helping you shift your mindset, stop being so hard on yourself, and step into your most confident self.
[00:00:00] Hello, my gorgeous lady and a welcome back to the subconscious expert. Now, if I asked you how often you end your day thinking I could have done more today, what would you say? What would you say Back to me for so many ambitious women, that sentence. Practically lives in their blood, right? You could have written more content, you could have been more patient, you could have been more productive, more organized, more consistent.
[00:00:39] And actually beneath all of that is a little quiet voice that says you are still not there yet. Now that. Is very wired. That is very wired, and it is this everyday feeling [00:01:00] of being so hard on yourself. And to be honest, if we look at it, it has been running your business and quite frankly, your self worth for far too long now.
[00:01:14] This episode is for the part of you that is tired of pushing and tired of berating herself, but terrified of what might happen if she actually stops. Okay? 'cause when we look at it. Being hard on yourself sometimes feels like discipline, right? If I'm not hard on myself like this, then I don't get things done.
[00:01:39] But when we actually look at it, it is a form of self-protection that your subconscious learned a very long time ago. And today we are going right back to where that pattern started, and I really wanna have a look at where it started, what that pattern's been doing for [00:02:00] you, and actually how to lead yourself in a way that feels powerful.
[00:02:06] Yes, but a little bit more peaceful and a little bit more friendly. Now as we know. No one in the world is born being hard on themselves, right? The instinct to constantly criticize yourself or correct yourself or to constantly push that is learn, and at some point your subconscious has made a connection that if I get it right, I'm loved.
[00:02:41] If I achieve, I'm accepted. If I stay in control, I'm safe. Now, maybe it started at school where doing well meant that you were really praised top of the thing. So many stars on your little book. Maybe it was at home where [00:03:00] you only got calm when you were pleasing everyone. Or maybe it was even, and this is where some of my clients go back to early in their career.
[00:03:10] When this value equaled how much they were outputting right now, wherever it began, your subconscious absorbed one core rule, and that is that safety lives on the other side of performance. So it built a part, a part of you to keep you there. This loyal part whose job is to make sure that you never fall short again, and that's the part that goes work harder or fix it.
[00:03:45] You gotta fix it before someone notices or don't relax. Yet we are not there yet. Success God, you're not successful at all. That part kept you safe, but [00:04:00] now we are in the phase that your brain is confusing pressure with protection, and if it's, if it's ambitious. When we actually look at it, ambition and being ambitious isn't a thing that exhausts you.
[00:04:22] It's the fact that you are constantly negotiating with the part that believes that you are only allowed to rest or to say that you are successful or to have a break from your business after perfection, or this imaginary milestone now. We know your brain's. Number one job is to keep you alive and not keep you fulfilled and living in the dream house that you've got on your Pinterest board.
[00:04:52] It is wired for survival. We are not wired to love ourselves by God. How I wish that was [00:05:00] so actually, when your subconscious finds a pattern, that creates a sense of control, it sticks with it. And if we look at it, self pressure is one of the most reliable control mechanisms there is. So here's how it works.
[00:05:24] Every time you achieve something, your brain releases dopamine, right? And we know that that is the reward chemical, and it feels good for five minutes, three minutes, depending. And then cortisol, which is the stress hormone. Kicks back in to push you towards your next hit. And that loop, especially in high achievers, becomes addictive.
[00:05:50] So you achieve, you feel good, the feeling fades, you chase it again, and suddenly [00:06:00] you are hooked on doing and. Doing and doing and doing. And it's usually because your nervous system, your subconscious doesn't know how to feel safe without a goal to chase. And when I say goal to chase, this isn't me telling you to stop chasing those goals.
[00:06:22] What I actually want us to have a look at. Is you going for your goals and being so God ambitious, but without it coming from this place of punishment. Okay, so let's kind of make this tangible for a moment. I want you to have a little, think of the last time you tried to relax. Maybe you sat down with a coffee, maybe you took a day off.
[00:06:51] How long did it take before your brain offered you a to-do list? That is [00:07:00] your survival brain trying to keep you safe through constant motion. Okay? Stillness feels dangerous because at some point, chaos felt familiar. Your subconscious has now made calm, mean, vulnerable, and constant movement always go in, always pushing, always hustling.
[00:07:25] Protected. Okay, so it keeps you busy to punish you, okay? Yes, but actually because it genuinely believes that rest equals risk. Right. If you've ever found yourself restless on holiday or anxious when things are quiet or absolutely ridden with guilt after taking time off, that is a body and mind that is trained [00:08:00] to associate rest and peace and happiness sometimes with threat.
[00:08:08] Now for me and the work that I do with my clients, especially around this belief system and what this entails, we actually don't want to force yourself to slow J to slow down here. What we want to do is we want to sh to very gently show your brain that calm can coexist with safety. So let's test that right now.
[00:08:33] I want you to take a slow breath in through your nose.
[00:08:40] Just hold it for a second.
[00:08:46] Exhale slowly. And I want you to notice if part of you wanted to rush that, you might even be listening to this podcast on plus 0.15. You might've wanted to rush through that [00:09:00] completely, right? So notice if part of you wanted to rush that notice if your shoulders dropped or your te, your chest felt really, really tight.
[00:09:12] That's the part that pushes. Where that's when it's still running the show. Okay. So that the part that came up when we did that little exercise or when you try and slow down, that is the part that really tries to push when you want to slow down. Now if we have a look at that part, that part of you has been doing its job for years probably, and that part is the one that got you through the deadline, that got you through the launches, that got you through the degrees, that got you through your dissertation, that got you through life, maybe even motherhood.
[00:09:55] And it is strategic. It's very alert, it's incredibly [00:10:00] loyal. But when we look at it, and this is the first thing my clients say when we're, when I start looking at this part, it is fucking exhausted. It is exhausted because it's entire identity is built on preventing disappointment, yours and everyone else's, to be honest.
[00:10:20] And for some, when I look at this, this part is formed in childhood. Yeah, a little girl who learned that being good or useful or top of the class or constantly working, kept her safe. Again, for others it appeared a little bit later, whether that's in corporate life or in relationships, or to be honest, a lot of this comes down to the early days of entrepreneurship.
[00:10:49] You know, each time something felt uncertain, this part took over and was like, well, if I keep busy, if I stay. Top of everything. If I'm [00:11:00] constantly working, nothing can go wrong. And actually over time we say blended. This voice blended so deeply with your self image that you forgot. It was just one part of you, not all of you.
[00:11:15] Now, when you try and silence these parts, and when we're working with parts, they fight harder. Because actually it thinks it's keeping you alive. So actually what I want us to do today, rather than suppressing it or getting angry with it, or sometimes my clients are like, can I just tell it to fuck off?
[00:11:37] And I'm like, no, we meet it. So we're gonna meet it today. We're gonna meet this part today. And I want you to say like, look, I see you. You have worked so hard to keep me safe, but actually we'll learn in a different way now. And sometimes even that [00:12:00] one single act of doing that, of like disassociating it from you, recognizing it of a part, a part of you instead of your identity is the first step to working differently.
[00:12:14] To being able to take time off to work more intentionally rather than hammering yourself all the time. And when you acknowledge it with any parts, to be honest, when you acknowledge it, it will finally stop shouting for your attention. It's like the kid in the supermarket that wants the chocolate. Yeah.
[00:12:33] The more you ignore it, the louder it gets. So as we know, this part is. Usually seen as self-discipline, but actually, if we look at what we know now, we know that it's more self-protection. The voice that you hear and the part that you hear. [00:13:00] It might feel cruel. And actually when you are in that space and you're like, oh my God, like I am being so hard on myself, or I'm really beaten up or berate myself right now.
[00:13:11] I had so many of you message from the podcast that I said about, you know, do you actually berate yourself all the time? That that part is terrified. It's terrified because it's a part that's been standing guard for years. It has been scanning for any sign of danger or judgment or rejection or failure or disappointment or success, and it is tight in the reigns to keep you safe.
[00:13:44] It is a literally a loyal employee that has just been really fricking overworking its role. So what we wanna do is we ain't firing its ass today. We're not handing it, it's P [00:14:00] 45. I think that's what it's, we just need to give it a new job description. Okay. So the old role will have been. Keep her in control at all costs.
[00:14:13] Like we, we have to, we have to keep her going. Keep her. And you might even be at, you might be able to ask that part. If you can connect to that and kind of really see that part as the part, what is your role? And we wanna ask what could the new one become? So the new role might be, help me feel safe while I grow.
[00:14:37] Now that is an energy shift completely. Instead of fighting with that part, we wanna collaborate with it and we wanna let it know. And you have to do this all. You have to remind this all the time because it's done a very good job, right? It's kept you safe for very long, so you have to remind it. You don't need, like, I don't have.
[00:14:58] I don't need you to keep [00:15:00] pushing me to prove I'm safe anymore. You can relax. In fact, when I think about a part that we worked on around this with one of my clients, we sent it on holiday, went and had a really nice holiday, right? You can relax. I've got this. And actually that is what this integration looks like.
[00:15:17] We really want this kind of leadership from the inside out and that is really noticing when you are in self, when you are in that space where. You can really go, is this me or is this a part that just learned that it needed to protect me? So now we've kind of got an insight. Let's turn this into practice, because as we know, and as I spoke about on many different podcasts, the subconscious learns through experience and evidence.
[00:15:46] Okay? So there are five ways that I wanna go through today to. Help you to start retrain the part of you that equates pressure with safety. So the first one I want you to do, [00:16:00] and we've kind of al already done this already, is name it. Okay? Give this part an identity and give it a label that doesn't make it sound like the enemy, whatever that is.
[00:16:11] Whether it's the driver or the protector or whatever feels right for you. And when you hear it say. You should have done more. You didn't do enough. You are not enough. We haven't worked hard enough. All of the things that it says, I just want you to pause and I just want you to respond internally, or if you're on your own, you can say it out loud.
[00:16:34] I see you. Thank you for trying to protect me. We are just literally acknowledging it, okay? And in that moment, in that acknowledgement, it will soften. It will soften and you can almost have a conversation with it. It kind of breaks this blend. As I say, we call it blending. It breaks this blend of you and the part, and it gives you enough distance [00:17:00] to then lead again.
[00:17:02] Leadership always begins with the awareness of where you are. The second thing that we want to do is we want to reassociate safety. Okay? The reason you can't stop pushing and the reason why you are so unbelievably hard on yourself is because you still believe that slowing down or taking a day off or whatever that is equals danger.
[00:17:27] So your work here is to rebuild the link between that and safety. So start small right after a task pause for literally just. 10 seconds and breathe. Like, feel your feet on the floor. Tell yourself it's okay to stop for a moment, or when you close your laptop at the end of the day or at night probably because you're working till 10:00 PM instead of thinking, Ugh, [00:18:00] I didn't do enough today.
[00:18:01] I want you to say. I did what mattered and it's safe to rest. You know, we know how much we need to look after ourself in business and we need to really fill that cup for you to be in your creativity, in your calm, in your capable, right? You are teaching your subconscious this new rule through repetition that stillness, or, I mean, just not berate yourself.
[00:18:30] Means that it's okay. Okay. And over time, your subconscious starts craving rest as much as it at the moment craves pressure. Yeah. The third thing I want you to do is I want you to actually anchor evidence of enoughness. Now, like we said, the subconscious trusts evidence, so let's fricking give it some, okay?
[00:18:56] Instead of constantly focusing on what you [00:19:00] didn't do, at the end of every day, I want you to ask, what did I move forward today? You know, a lot of my clients like to delete a lot of things that they've done in their head. So I always ask them, okay, what did we get done today? And they give me a really bloody long list, right?
[00:19:18] List three things, big or small. Maybe it is that you finished a piece of content, maybe you took a walk instead of fricking fallen into a TikTok scroll. Maybe you chose, um, to do something with a bit more ease rather than. Forcing yourself to do it with like so much urgency, whatever that is. What I, I want you to almost remove the.
[00:19:44] Measure of productivity, and I want you to anchor into the proof that you are progress. Like that you're, that you are progressing, progressing, progressing. And when your brain sees daily evidence of that, it will [00:20:00] stop catastrophizing about what's unfinished, because quite frankly, as a high achiever. You will never be finished.
[00:20:07] So are we gonna live like this for the rest of our life or are we actually gonna enjoy it? Right? Consistency here, literally rewires your reward pathway. So start associating progress rather than this like whole productivity. And wherever I am, then I really want you to notice your language. I call my clients out on their language all the time.
[00:20:32] Words shape your world. So every time you say, oh, I should, you tell your subconscious you are behind replace. Well, I should have, I should have done that. I sounded really Midlands then. I should have. I should have. I want you to maybe change it to, well, next time I can. Maybe you can feel the difference, right?
[00:20:57] One of them holds shame. I should [00:21:00] have done that. And the other one holds so much choice. It's going to rewire just by changing and watching your language around it. Your subconscious listens to the language you repeat the most. So when your self-talk stops becoming so unbelievably mean. You know how people say, would you speak to your best friend like that?
[00:21:23] No, you fucking wouldn't. And it becomes softer. Everything follows. Your mind will stop bracing for criticism that usually never comes, right? The last thing that I want you to do is I want you to bring in a bit of rehearsal now. Whether it's relief, whether it's calm, whether it's still whatever it is that feels unsafe right now, and pressure feels very familiar.
[00:21:53] I know that to keep so much pressure and drive from pressure and work from pressure, but whatever it is that you want to tap [00:22:00] into, it probably feels quite uncomfortable. Maybe a little bit foreign. Okay. You have to train that. So at the end of your day, close your eyes and see yourself finishing your work, feeling calm, feeling proud.
[00:22:18] And it might not be because you did it all. It might be because you did just what mattered in that moment. Picture yourself, like picture the version of you closing your laptop, switching off the lights, taking a deep breath, and actually letting yourself believe it's enough. I know that feels so uncomfortable, even me saying that to you.
[00:22:41] Right? Feel what that's like, let your muscles almost memorize that. Yeah. The body rehearses what the subconscious repeats. So really. Use that as a state that you practice, practice, being in that state [00:23:00] practice, working from that state. That's how calm it. I mean, if your word is calm or whatever your word is, becomes your new baseline.
[00:23:09] Okay. It is so, so important. So these five practices. They're, they're actually quite simple. They're, they're very, very simple, to be honest. And a lot of my clients are like, is it that easy? But they're really profound work under the surface, like in the subconscious. Right. They're, they're literally retraining the part of you that spent so many years constantly in motion.
[00:23:37] Yeah. We want to prove, especially when you start scaling your business, that safety. It doesn't have to come from pressure, it comes from intentionality or enjoyment, even who to thunk, right? It is going to be life changing for you. Start catching that voice sooner. Yeah, start [00:24:00] actually pausing rather than panicking and catastrophizing.
[00:24:04] Start celebrating yourself instead of criticizing yourself all the time, and you'll actually begin trusting the version of you who is calm and actually how her calm is way more effective than when you are. Constantly pushing and constantly berating yourself. Yeah. When your subconscious feels safe, your creativity returns, your strategy will actually become easier and more importantly than anything, especially when you're scaling, you will finally have the capacity to hold the success you are creating.
[00:24:42] So as we know, and as I close out this podcast episode, being hard on yourself is not discipline. It is literally safety. It was a pattern that you built, and by now you might know where that is, and that's okay. And if you want come, [00:25:00] come into my world and I'll help you work through that. But it was a pattern built by a part of you that wanted to make sure that you never got hurt, that you never got.
[00:25:09] Rejected that you never got forgotten. Okay? And from today, that part deserves a little rest too. Okay? I, I want you to stop proving you care or proving that you want this by pushing. I stop being in exhaustion and actually start feeling a little bit proud for what you're creating. Yeah. You can lead, you can build, you can grow, and you can still be nice to yourself.
[00:25:40] How about that? How about that? Yeah. The I, I truly believe that that real leadership is how powerfully you support the parts of you who are still. Learning they are safe. So this week when that [00:26:00] familiar voice shows up and tells you that you haven't worked enough or that you're not good enough, or whatever it is that tries to make you push harder, thank it.
[00:26:08] Breathe. Remind it. Becky said, we are safe now and if this episode landed with you, please let me know. I will see you on the next episode. Love ya.
More about The Subconscious Expert:
Welcome to The Subconscious Expert, the podcast where your subconscious becomes your one-way ticket to the mind-blowing results you desire in your life and business! I’m your host, Rebecca Haydon, The Subconscious Expert who went from being stuck in victim mode to a multi 6 figure business owner. Each week, I will be giving you the subconscious tools and techniques so you can become the woman who is living out her vision with a life and business that she is truly OBSESSED with. I have said it before, and I will say it 100 times again: "Your business can't outgrow your mindset, and if you want to grow your business, it always starts with growing your subconscious." So let's dive into the subconscious breakthrough you so deeply deserve!