Setting Boundaries vs Holding Boundaries [ep. #119]
Hello lovely lady and welcome to Higher Self & I!
Be honest, are you the type of person who sets your boundaries on Sunday night, hyping yourself up like “Yes, this is it! This is the day!” but then Monday comes around and you throw the boundaries out of the window? Or do you set boundaries and ACTUALLY embody them every single day? If you are the first type, no shame around here. Rebecca Haydon 1.0 had ZERO boundaries, (hands up if you are a recovering people pleaser like me). However, Rebecca 2.0 has a LIST of boundaries and she sure as hell embodies them!
I’ll let you in on a little secret. If you keep setting boundaries but never stick to them, you reinforce the belief that you won’t do what you said you will do. Now ask yourself, would the higher version of you who makes 6-figures set a boundary and break it on the next occasion?
I don’t think so! So if you are ready to enter that higher self, tune in to today’s episode, where I talk about the difference between setting and holding boundaries, how to set boundaries and actually stick to them, tips on embodying boundaries, how setting boundaries changed my life for better, and more!
Topics covered on Holding Boundaries:
How I went from having ZERO boundaries to a LIST of boundaries?
How setting and actually holding boundaries has changed my life for the better?
How is your subconscious connected to your boundaries?
Why is holding boundaries more important than setting boundaries?
Where do most scaling business owners struggle with boundaries?
Are you guilty of overpromising to your clients?
Looking at the belief behind overgiving or overdelivering.
Tips on embodying boundaries in your business and life.
The time when I used Voxer as my procrastination tool.
How to set boundaries in different areas of your life?
Identifying what you need to have in place in order to stick to your boundaries.
Connect with Bec:
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Quote:
“Setting boundaries is crucial for you to scale, but what's even more important is that you actually hold them.” - Rebecca Haydon
Transcription: Our AI tried its best, but expect a few quirky typos in the transcript. Embrace the imperfections and enjoy the read!
[00:00:00] Hello baby. Welcome back to Higher Self and I, we are all about higher self here. Obviously the podcast is called Higher Self and I, and one of the things that has truly allowed me to not only scale my business and carry on scaling the way that we are working. On towards this year. But to truly step into the higher version of me is boundaries.
[00:00:25] Oh yes. The word that makes everyone poo themselves. Oh, boundaries. And I really wanted to talk about this today because boundaries is a huge part of you stepping into that higher self. You stepping into that next level version of you, we need to have a look at your boundary. And that is boundaries across the board.
[00:00:48] And the reason why boundaries, how many times can you say boundaries in one single sentence? Boundaries. The reason why I wanted to speak about boundaries today is because I had none. I had zilch, zero done, the end finished. And actually I have massive experience of having no boundaries and now having a lot of boundaries and how different that has made me, how different it's made me as a coach.
[00:01:15] How different it's made me as a business owner, how different it's impacted me in my life, in my relationship, in my finances, in my health. And actually a lot of the time it is this buzzword, it is this word that we hear used so very often in the entrepreneur space. But what is the difference between setting boundaries versus holding?
[00:01:44] And the embodiment within that, because they are two fucking different things. And going back to Rebecca Haydon 1.0 for those who knew me back in 1.0, I would set boundaries. I would have boundaries. I love writing the list. You know, every, every freaking Sunday, I'd be like, oh, this is the week guys. Let's make that boundary list of what's gonna happen this week, come Tuesday.
[00:02:11] Out the window, might as well be burnt. Complete waste of my time on Sunday could have sat watching Netflix because nothing ever happened. I would set the boundaries, but then I wouldn't hold them and I wouldn't embody them. And they looked two different things. And I really wanted to do a podcast episode on this because I don't think I've spoken about boundaries a lot, but it's something that I put in place with clients, especially when we are continuously moving into that next level.
[00:02:40] you know that higher self, that next level of you requires different boundaries of you, and that's gonna look different every time. You, you up level, every time you step into that version, every time you change that identity slightly, the boundaries around that is gonna feel different. It's gonna look different.
[00:03:01] And how you embody them is going to be very, very important Now. Scaling to multi six figures isn't easy. I'm gonna be honest with you here, , it isn't easy and actually you having and embodying and really embracing the boundaries is going to be so helpful and you know, is not the piece of cake. Like all the gurus,
[00:03:29] That sounded weird. All the gurus say, you know, like, let's make six figures in 60 days, yada, yada, yada. All that bullshit. We're not here for this, but I want you to imagine waking up tomorrow morning, being the CEO of a multiple six figure, or a multiple seven figure, or a multiple eight figure. If you want to go there within a blink of an eye, you know, today is the day that you have what you have.
[00:03:56] Now, tomorrow you're gonna wake up and you're gonna have that business. How would you be able to navigate that, re that reality if it happened overnight? Have you prepared for that? Have you changed to stand in that? Do you have the foundations in place to hold that? Do you have the boundaries in place to hold that?
[00:04:19] And let's just say you probably haven't, and that is no shame. That is what we are here for. This is what the podcast is about. There is no shame around that. But that's why that level doesn't exist for you right now, because the subconscious is like, well, fuck me, like blow me down. There is no way we're gonna be able to hold that because we haven't got the boundaries in place.
[00:04:40] We haven't, it doesn't feel safe to us. Us, and you're gonna have to deal with a lot of challenging situations to get there. But if we know we can hold those boundaries now and thicken the boundaries and thicken the embodiment around the boundaries, the the quicker, the easier, the safer, the simpler it starts to become.
[00:05:00] Now, setting boundaries is crucial for you to scale, but what's even more important is that you actually. Hold them. Like I said, I am gonna put my fucking hands up here, guys. Like I used to set them and would I hold them? Absolutely not. And what was happening is I was just constantly never having any energy, always giving to everyone else before myself.
[00:05:29] Constantly saying yes, massive people pleaser. All of these parts of me, all of these, these parts that were coming in because it didn't feel safe were holding me back from these boundaries. However, it was the boundaries that I needed to stop those parts. And those parts are welcoming here. Those parts are here because they keep me safe and they, they went through something, I went through something with them, and that's the reason why they're there in childhood.
[00:05:53] But there is so many times where I was like, wow, if I had just stuck to that boundary, how much better I would feel. And I poured from an empty cup for quite a lot of the, the kind of around 2020, late 2020 into 2021. Like I was really growing the business, but to the detriment of my fucking self, to the detriment of my relationships, to the detriment of my health, to the detriment of my finances, because I didn't have boundaries in place.
[00:06:26] And because. I wasn't holding them. And the more I put that down on a piece of paper, the more I said that I was gonna hold the boundary, the more I said that I was gonna do it, the more I then didn't do it. I was just looping this whole distrust, constant distrust in myself, constant distrust in myself, constant distrust in myself.
[00:06:47] Because I was like, okay, well this is it. This is gonna be it. Like I'm gonna set the boundary. Come Tuesday, the boundary had been broken. I back to. And I'm just kind of reinforcing that belief that I don't do what I say I'm gonna do, and I hear this so often. So here is where I see most scaling coaches, most scaling business owners, most scaling service providers struggle with boundaries.
[00:07:13] One of the things that shows up a lot with my clients is that they overpromise two clients. What that, what happens then when they over promise the clients, and you know me, my clients are my, my bread and butter of my business, they come first always after I film mic cup in the business. They come first and I see a lot of coaches that are, or business owners that are trying to scale the overpromise and then they can't deliver.
[00:07:48] Because they haven't actually looked in their timetable. They haven't looked in their diary and been like, oh, okay. I actually can't do that 20 page PDF that I told my client I would do in 24 hours. I don't have the time to do that. So what happens is then the client gets annoyed. Then you've over promise, and then they then like they're just in this constant loop.
[00:08:10] It was happening to one of my clients so often that I had to, we had to put some questions in place. We had to put some boundaries in place. For her to not step into that, we actually had to look at the belief behind, over promising. Now, the overpromise again for me, like client experience, client, um, like the client's feeling that they get the most out of me, the most out.
[00:08:33] The investment is really, truly a huge value of mine. Anyone who has worked with me is working with me know that that is the case. So when it came to over promising for my clients, But actually looking at my boundaries, I had to start forward focusing. So what I would do is if we were in a conversation and I'd be like, right, I'm gonna send you this.
[00:08:56] Before I said that, before we had that conversation, I would zoom forwards in my mind. I would zoom forwards into my diary of next week and be like, if I promised this on this day, would I have the energy? Would I be able to do it? Going to actually happen. Really getting curious with what I'm actually telling them.
[00:09:19] I'm telling them that I'm gonna do, and this isn't just with clients, this is, you know, me saying yes to events or going out for drinks with friends. You know, having a look at what that would look like when I'm in situation of the week that I would be in, and then having a look at what my energy would look like and making the decision from there.
[00:09:37] Really big boundary. I've gone off on a bit. A bit of a track, but it goes back into the overpromising. So one of the things is the overpromising to clients not being able to deliver on time because of the overpromise. Another thing is the overgiving, because they belief that there's a belief deep-rooted within there that you need to save your clients or you want to control the outcome of what they want to invest.
[00:10:05] In you with or you feel like, um, you're not good enough, so you have to overdeliver and overdeliver and overdeliver. That's a boundary that you're breaking with your in yourself. The another one that I see is not blocking your diary out. So, you know, the, the project work or the content creation or the batching or anything like that goes to the wayside if, if you are not feeling good or if your energy's not there.
[00:10:30] If, um, something crops up because you haven't blocked it out so projects never get finished, or you have this massive to-do list that never gets done because you're not blocking it out, you're not setting the boundaries within your own diary. And then the last one is having no backend systems. So it feels so much work from client to client.
[00:10:48] And those are a couple of things that I see within boundaries, within scaling, scaling the business and what I put in place for that. Um, but yeah, like. Hopefully some of these are kind of picking, picking up some little thoughts going, okay, I need to have a look at this. So when it comes to boundaries for me, let's kind of go back to me now.
[00:11:10] That made me sound really egotistical, but you are listening to me on the podcast. So let's do it. Let's go back to, to kind of what the boundaries were for me and what I really started to put in place. So one of the boundaries was Voxer. I had to have boundaries around. In Voxer and my clients know that I am very in Voxer.
[00:11:30] I'm, I'm very, um, responsive. I give a lot in Voxer, but I really had to look at my boundaries around it. So I used to have my notifications on, um, I used to like, I would always reply on a Saturday, Sunday, like there was just never a time that I wasn't in there. And actually Boxer become, became this.
[00:11:51] Probably about two years ago, one and a half years ago, Voxer became a procrastination tool for me because if I didn't wanna do something project work, or record a podcast or do that, you know, landing page, I'd be like, oh, okay, well I'll just go and check Voxer instead. Because that felt safe to me. Like it's where I thrive the most.
[00:12:12] It's where I love being the most, but there was a boundary that needed to be put in place for that because, I need to make sure that I am stepping into the growth of my business and supporting my clients. So that was a big boundary. Another boundary was actually in my social life, in my de kind of day-to-day relationships and the circle of my boundaries.
[00:12:35] So say I'm the circle. I'm in the middle, the next one out. You could have tripped anyone in there. I would let ev anyone come into that second circle. You know, anyone and everyone. Could have me at a drop of a hat. Anyone and anyone could, could ring or text or ask me something and I would be there and I would do it.
[00:12:57] And every single time I would either resent myself for saying yes, or I would feel like too many people have got too many bits of energy from me. And it started to really get to me, and it started to actually play into the people pleaser. It started to kind of really. Solidify the people pleaser belief more.
[00:13:18] And I really didn't want to do that because I was, I'd done a lot of work in removing the people pleaser belief in kind of rewiring and, and bringing in a new belief around that. So I didn't want to keep doing that. So what did I need to do? I needed to remove everyone out of that circle. So in my immediate circle after me, it's Jack, my partner, my mom, my dad, and my.
[00:13:42] Those are the only people who are in that next circle. The circle after that are like my, my besties, and then the circle after that are the, the other people around me. So what, who are you letting in? Who are you dropping? Everyone, everything at the drop of a hat to re to message back. Just have a look at what boundaries you're stepping over within yourself.
[00:14:04] Like for me, like I said, I was saying yes to everyone and anything. You know, to, to make people happy. And it was all for a good cause, but it was all to the detriment of myself to the business, et cetera. So really starting to just have a look. And I think the biggest thing that I want you to focus on with the boundaries, especially with kind of this polarity of setting boundaries versus holding boundaries, is yes, we need to set them first of all.
[00:14:29] So let's go back to really having a look at what boundaries you want to bring in. and I would potentially do a little bit of a wheel of life on this. So what boundaries do I want with my finances? Do I want to do a money date every single Friday? Do I wanna be writing down everything that I'm spending, highlight the things that I didn't really need to spend on that this week.
[00:14:49] That's, I used to do that a lot. Do I want to make sure that I have got, um, percentages going out from when I get paid? You know, I have a 20% that goes straight into my v. Tax bucket. I have 10% that goes here, 20% that goes here. So, and that all happens automatically. Again, a boundary around how I'm spending my money, how I'm feeling about money, how I step into money, a boundary in my health.
[00:15:12] So really have a look, kind of section your life out health, finances, fun and recreation relationships, love business. Um, have I missed anything? Did I say health? I don't know. Anyway, have a look at the Wheel of Life and really go, okay, what boundaries would I like to have in place in that particular section?
[00:15:35] Maybe do all of them together and then pick one section. Because what I would probably, what I would say you will find is there's going to be a crossover of boundaries that would probably tie into a lot of them, and then you can start to pick which ones you want to put in first. So we've set the boundaries now.
[00:15:52] Now we have to hold them. And that question is who is the me that fucking holds that boundary and what do I need in place for that to become a thing? What do I need to be to have in place to set myself up that that boundary is held? So it could be, and this is what one of my clients did. She actually downloaded an app that, um, I can't think of what the app is and if I can think I'll pop it in the show notes.
[00:16:20] Um, cause I can't think off the top of my head, but I will go and have a look. But there was an app on your phone that you can get that anytime you went onto Instagram or Facebook or any other app that you choose, it pings up with a screen and it gives you a set of questions. Do you really wanna be going on this right now?
[00:16:35] Such a cool app. And actually, she started using that as part of her boundary, and now she, she, she finds that she doesn't go on the apps anymore. You know, one of the things that I hear so often is that you fell into this scrolling loophole of comparison and making yourself feel shit about your business.
[00:16:52] Yes. If we know that, we'll set the boundary. Okay. Every time I go on Instagram, I'm gonna ask myself, what is my intention behind this? How long do I wanna be on here for? What am I doing here? What am I actually doing here? Starting to really see those boundaries, because that's when you are, start to really hold them.
[00:17:13] Now holding the boundary. One of the biggest things for me was that visual prompt, you know, the visual prompt of me holding it, so like having my diary blocked out. Or having an alarm on my phone or having that question on my phone. Having the app, you know, doing the things that are gonna allow you to remember and remind yourself of the boundaries that you are setting.
[00:17:33] So I really want to make sure that you actually go away right now and you do something with this podcast, because I don't want you to listen to this and be like, I'm gonna be boundaries. And then the podcast finishes and you do fuck all about it. So what I want you to do, Pause the podcast. Stop the podcast after we finish, and go and do this exercise.
[00:17:54] First, set your boundary in the wheel of life, those categories. I'll pop them in the show notes. Then start to have a look at what boundaries you wanna bring in. Choose one of those sections and then ask yourself, who is the me that steps into that boundary? Keep yourself accountable. Keep reminding yourself.
[00:18:13] Keep those visual cues so you can actually start to hold them. And by God, my life and my business changed when those boundaries were held and I was embodying them. So happy boundary placing and I'll see you in the next episode. Fucking a . I dunno why I get.
More about Higher Self & I:
Higher Self & I is the podcast for ambitious female entrepreneurs who are ready to achieve and sustain mind-blowing results in their biz. It’s a show that will release you of your victim mindset and give you complete freedom and energy to jump into the self you always knew you could be. Each week, Rebecca Haydon will help you lock your mindset into gear and empower you to step into the person you always knew you were meant to be – a bad-ass CEO who is here to claim her freaking millionaire life!