How to Stop Seeking External Validation [ep. #192]
Hello lovely lady and welcome to The Subconscious Expert!
Are you constantly chasing likes, follows, and approval from strangers? It's time to stop seeking external validation from others and start fuelling your business with self-belief! In today's episode, I'm spilling the tea on why craving external validation can seriously hold you back from BIG success in your business.
We'll chat about the sneaky ways external validation creeps into our lives, how it messes with our minds, and the neuroscience behind it. But don't worry, I've got your back with my top strategies that will help you validate yourself from the inside out so you can achieve those juicy goals. You’ll learn how to celebrate your wins, big or small, without needing a pat on the back from anyone else.
So, if you're ready to feel successful on your own terms and build a business that thrives on genuine self-worth, this is the episode you can't afford to miss. You're about to become unstoppable!
Topics covered on How to Stop Seeking External Validation:
How does seeking external validation affect your business?
Where does the need for external approval come from?
What are practical steps to stop seeking external validation?
How can limiting social media use boost your self-worth?
Why should you celebrate success no matter how small?
Connect with Rebecca Haydon:
Related episodes you may enjoy:
Quote:
"The more you rely on the external validation, the less worth you see within yourself." - Rebecca Haydon
Transcription:
Our AI tried its best, but expect a few quirky typos in the transcript. Embrace the imperfections and enjoy the read!
[00:00:00] You are listening to The Subconscious Expert, the podcast where your subconscious becomes your one way ticket to the mind blowing results you desire in your life and business. I've said it before and I will say it a hundred times again. Your business cannot outgrow your mindset. And if you want to grow your business, it always starts with growing your subconscious. So let's dive into the subconscious breakthrough you so deeply deserve.
[00:00:30] Hello, beautiful lady. Welcome to The Subconscious Expert, and today we are talking about external validation. Oh, the joys of relying on external validation for you feeling successful. And the rea Very funny story behind the, um, The excitement of this podcast episode is, I was actually in a client session the other day, and she was like, Look Bec, I'm an external validation whore.
[00:01:03] And I was like, wow, that is a good title for a podcast episode. And something that I would love to talk about, because it is so hard. I see it feel so hard for clients. To actually validate themselves in business. And there's so many things with this, and that's what I'm going to be talking about today, but when you own your own business, you have to be able to internally validate yourself.
[00:01:35] Because relying on the amount of likes on your posts, the compliments of your work, the success that you're having, the money in your bank account, all these things that you are almost quote unquote relying on to Externally validate yourself, and a lot of the time with the clients that I see, it comes down to the fact that they are this high performer, high achiever, they've lived on the rush of external validation, but only when they get it do they feel successful.
[00:02:07] Your business ain't gonna fly with that. Like, we wanna be able to, yes, 100 percent receive external validation, we should as humans, but be able to be successful without it. Be successful without the follower number, without the, like, the likes, without, like, to, to feel successful without any of that. And it feels really good, right?
[00:02:29] Like, that little rush, that little rush of pleasure we get when someone You know, says how amazing we are, or how incredible that post was, or how good that piece of work was that you've done for them. But when we crave external validation too much, I see it hindering people's success. And today I really wanted to explore the subconscious behind this, the neuroscience behind this, and some practical tips.
[00:03:02] on how to break free of being external validation whore. Her words, not mine. So, what exactly is external validation? It is the affirmation, it is the approval, it is the recognition that we seek as humans from others to feel good about ourselves. I mean, within that one sentence, that's enough to tell you, right?
[00:03:31] And it can come in so many forms, it can come pat on the back, a like on social media, a compliment from someone, a friend, whatever. And whilst there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying these moments, like I said, I want to preface that. There's nothing wrong with enjoying them, and I want you to enjoy them.
[00:03:51] It's when you rely on them to feel successful, and to believe you're successful, that's when it becomes problematic. So, let's kind of start with understanding external validation as a whole. We need to have a look at our subconscious mind, to be honest, to start off with, because from a very young age, we are conditioned to very societal norms, to the parents expectations, to media influences, and our subconscious mind really operates on a level of awareness that absorbs these messages in, and shapes our behaviours, shapes our beliefs.
[00:04:37] So if you think, like, at that point, those societal norms, the parent conditioning, all of those with external validation, they've probably come, and the fact that you're relying on that to feel successful, has probably come from the ages of 0 to 7. Now, that's from a subconscious point of view. From a neuroscience point of view, our brain has a reward system, that is heavily influenced by dopamine, um, which makes us feel pleasure, which makes us feel good.
[00:05:11] So, when we receive a compliment, an external validation, our brain releases dopamine, giving us That reward like feeling, almost like a little bit of a drug. The more we get, the more we want. So, there's a lot going on, as we're kind of almost programmed, like physically subconsciously programmed, to seek out external validation.
[00:05:40] Um, and It's how we learn. Have a sticker, put a sticker on the wall, you've done a good job! Like, it's how we learn, it's how we adapt, it's how we grow in social environments. But there is a tipping point, like a literal tipping point, where the need And I say, need. The need for validation can undermine your self worth.
[00:06:10] And it makes you so overly dependent on other people's opinions. on other people in general for you to feel worthy, for you to feel successful, for you to feel enough. And it is hindering how you show up, because the moment that you show up and you don't get external validation, you believe that you're not good enough, you believe that you're not successful, you believe that people don't like you, because you have honed in on the external validation being the The only way that you can feel all those things.
[00:06:46] So when we remove the external, because a lot of the time, external validation comes from other people, hence the word external. When we remove that, if there was no one in the world telling you, liking your post, telling you how successful you are. You are how amazing your work is, what would you think? How would you feel about yourself?
[00:07:08] And that is a really fucking hard question to ask. But I'm here, I'm here to support you, and we are looking at how we can, yes, a hundred percent still receive external validation. It's gonna be there, it's coming from external. You can't help if people are telling you you're amazing. But, it's what you do when you one, don't have it, and two, When you receive it, being like, oh, thank you, but it doesn't mean that I'm any more or less worthy, any more or less successful, any more or less anything, okay?
[00:07:43] So, now we understand why we're seeking external validation, I want you to ha I want to have I want us to have a look at how we break free from this cycle, and if you are like, fuck, I too am an external validation whore, then this one is for you, because we're just bringing the awareness first of all, but I want you to start to pay attention to the behaviours and to The patterns where you are seeking external validation.
[00:08:17] Now, this happens a lot when I work with clients one to one, especially if they have this programming of seeking external validation, because they will seek it from me. What do you think about this? What do you think I should do about this? What about this? Can you check that? Like, There's a lot of, like, um, there's a fine line between using me as a coach, and, but being self led with it, then, oh my god, I need Becky to tell me how good I am.
[00:08:45] Which I do, because, you know, I love ya. But, I want it to come from a place of, like, I've got this idea, I think this about it, would just love to get your views, and my views doesn't matter either way, you still believe in that idea. So, here are some, couple of practical tips to help you, what we want to do is actually develop the internal validation.
[00:09:10] And what all we're doing here really, when we actually look at it, is we are developing a strong sense of self Because the more you rely on the external validation, the less worth you see within yourself. Again, hard pill to swallow, but we're here, we're doing the work. So, first thing I want you to do is just A little bit of awareness.
[00:09:36] And I want you to become aware of the moments where you crave, like actually crave, external validation. And I just want you to get curious at it. So if there is a moment where you're like, Ugh, I'm like craving that external validation, whatever that looks like for you, and I'm just going to keep it at that because it, it shows up in a lot of different ways for a lot of different people.
[00:10:02] The moments that you are craving that external validation. I want you to ponder on why. What is it that you're actually craving? What is it that you need? What does your inner child need at that moment that you are begging for someone to tell you that you're worthy, good enough, successful, etc. So when do I feel the need for expression?
[00:10:33] External validation the most and what triggers this need? When do I feel the need for external validation the most and what triggers this need? That is the first place I want you to start and if that takes you all week where you just sit down and go right I'm just gonna keep awareness on this for the rest of the week and keep writing these down When do I feel the need for external validation the most?
[00:11:00] and what triggers this need. The second thing we're going to have a look at is kind of bringing in a little bit of self compassion. Because I want you to recognise that it is natural to seek validation. It's natural. It's a human, natural response. But I want you to remind yourself that your worth is not Is not dependent on others opinions.
[00:11:32] I had to do so much work on this, because the whole of the performing arts career was external validation. Like, and I would take it on as an identity of whether I was worthy, whether I was good enough. Whether I was enough as to whether I got the job or not, and I couldn't do it. You can't do it like that.
[00:11:55] Like, the same as when a client doesn't sign, or someone says no, or your your reel doesn't go as viral as you'd like. It has nothing, nothing to do with your worth. Nothing. So, actually, I want you to next bring in a bit of self compassion, and I want you to think about three things that you love about yourself that don't rely on others approval.
[00:12:30] So, three things you love about yourself that does not rely on anyone telling you that you can love it to. So you can love it with or without their approval. What are three things? The next thing is I want you to start to actually seek internal validation. So I want you to have almost a development of a habit, this is a new habit formation, of seeking validation from within.
[00:13:03] Like, affirming your worth, affirming your capabilities, and doing that regularly. And I get my clients to do this a lot. A lot. Because when you start to trust yourself, and have that self worth, and are able to trust your decisions without having to run them past someone to tell you that they're good, or without having to like, go to a coach and be like, is this piece of content okay?
[00:13:31] Like, When you can just trust yourself, you are flexing that internal validation muscle. Because we don't want to constantly rely on external validation. And it's, like I said at the start, it's very easy to do in this day and age, because of social media. It's very easy to become This, and have the, the need for external validation all the time because of social media, because it's so quick and effortless to get external validation through likes, through vi through follow accounts, through watch time, through there's a load of places that we can get it, through the money, through the client signing, we can get it a load of places in business.
[00:14:20] But you are literally just putting it out for everyone else to decide how successful, how worthy, how good enough you feel. And all of that will be there, all of that will happen, all of that will come. I would probably say tenfold if you actually had that belief that I am worthy, I am successful, I am good enough, with or fucking without this.
[00:14:43] Like, that's just who I am and that's just how it is. Because that, oh, that is such a different energy in your business when you show up in that way. Like, I'm successful, I'm good enough, I'm worthy. Without it. One of my clients, we were speaking about it the other day, and um, the Ed Sheeran song came into her head of like, You need me, man, I don't need you.
[00:15:08] Like, I don't need you to tell me how good I am to believe that I'm good. I don't need you to tell me how successful I am to believe I'm successful. That's where I want you to be. It's a completely different way of showing up. It's a completely different energy. It is so deep rooted, rather than, Please love me, please give me attention, please tell me I'm successful because that's the only way that I'm gonna believe it.
[00:15:32] Two very different energies. So, first step on the self development journey. spectrum for this particular exercise is really having that self reflection and the awareness. When do I feel the need for external validation the most, and what triggers this need? Step two, What are three things I love about myself that don't rely on others approval?
[00:16:03] If I was stuck on an island by myself for the rest of the days, what would make me feel worthy? How could I make myself feel worthy, successful, loved? All of those things that you believe you currently get from external validation. And then I want you to start to seek out. Internal validation. So, what is going to reinforce your self worth?
[00:16:29] What is going to allow yourself to feel successful? This is where that deep inner subconscious work comes in. I would limit your social media use. I know that's hard as a business owner, but be very intentional when you are on social media, and try not to tap into it being this external validation. Yes, okay, we need to, to know whether our posts are hitting or whether they're not, you know, all of those things.
[00:16:55] But see it from the curiosity of a strategic point of view, rather than from like a, this woohoo! Um, and really start to like, celebrate your success, no matter how small, to really enforce that like, Okay, I've got this. I'm worthy. I'm good enough. Doesn't matter what's happening outside. So, I hope that you have enjoyed today's podcast episode.
[00:17:22] There's a couple of journal prompts in there that I want you to sit down, re listen to this episode, go through them. If you want to just kind of start to really start to understand this. But one of the biggest questions with this is, what are you craving? Like, what are you getting from tapping into Only having external validation to feel good enough, to feel successful, to feel worthy.
[00:17:47] Those are the three thi beliefs that I see come up a lot. Ah. No more external validation, whore. Again, her words, not mine. But I hope you've enjoyed today's episode, and I will see you on the next one. Mwah. Bye!
[00:18:02] I love to see you plugging in and listening to the podcast every week. So, whilst you're here, I would love for you to spend a moment sharing your favourite episode, reviewing the podcast, and of course, that juicy 5 star rating. These little acts of kindness really help the podcast reach more incredible powerhouses just like you.
[00:18:26] Now, if we're not connected on Instagram, add me at underscore Rebecca Haydon underscore, and for the full show notes and more resources, head over to RebeccaHaydon. com. I'll see you there.
More about The Subconscious Expert:
Welcome to The Subconscious Expert, the podcast where your subconscious becomes your one-way ticket to the mind-blowing results you desire in your life and business! I’m your host, Rebecca Haydon, The Subconscious Expert who went from being stuck in victim mode to a multi 6 figure business owner. Each week, I will be giving you the subconscious tools and techniques so you can become the woman who is living out her vision with a life and business that she is truly OBSESSED with. I have said it before, and I will say it 100 times again: "Your business can't outgrow your mindset, and if you want to grow your business, it always starts with growing your subconscious." So let's dive into the subconscious breakthrough you so deeply deserve!