Stop Playing Small: Overcome the Fear of Being Seen & Judged by Others [ep. #166]

13 Feb

So if you're craving to lead, to be seen, to be known, and to become a celebrity in your industry without feeling unsafe, you need to tune in! Let's unlock that next level of success and step into your power. Are we doing this? Let's go, baby!

Topics covered on How to Overcome the Fear of Being Seen & Judged:

Steps you can take to overcome the fear of being seen and judged.
Why should you focus on finding worth within yourself instead of relying on external validation?
How can you cultivate a sense of enoughness that isn't tied to money in your bank account?
Strategies that can help you trust your decisions and avoid second-guessing.
How does building self-belief help you overcome the fear of being seen and judged by others?

Related episodes you may enjoy:

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Quote:

"The more you second guess yourself, the less the success will be.” - Rebecca Haydon

Transcription: Our AI tried its best, but expect a few quirky typos in the transcript. Embrace the imperfections and enjoy the read!

[00:00:00] Hello, you massive powerhouse you. How the devil are you? Welcome back to Higher Self and I, where I have another incredible episode coming up for you today. Really having a look at the Uprising. of women who are completely outgrowing their business, the women who are becoming tired of playing small, the women who are becoming tired of their own bullshit, the women who are experiencing the pressure to perform and the impossible high standards that they hold for themselves, and How I see them desiring to use their subconscious mind to grow their business moving forward.

[00:00:47] Now, there are so many of you who are very, very similar to me, to what I've been through, to what I have been going through in the past. You know, we always attract what we've already been through, do we not? Um, if we are in that category of attracting. But, I attract a lot of women who have done a lot of work on themselves.

[00:01:11] Now, they are usually very, very self aware, uh, self aware to the point of when they come into my world, when they're either filling out a one to one application form, when we're chatting in the DMs, when they found me through the podcast, they're like, And know it's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. Like, they know that it's them getting in their own way, and actually quite a lot of the time they actually know what beliefs are coming up, what things are happening for them to get in their own way.

[00:01:45] I have a lot of women who have usually landed on one particular belief that they feel is really strong that's holding them back and know that that is probably the thing that's going to unlock the next big, huge, massive thing for them. So they're unbelievably self aware. Deep down, they are craving, like, absolutely craving to lead the motherfucking way.

[00:02:14] And I think I speak about this a lot in the way of how I want to be and how I want the business to be. And I'm definitely going to be sharing my own experience in this podcast. Because I've always wanted to lead the way. I'm a generator. So I'm consistently wanting to lead the way. always been the gal who does something different to what anyone else is doing.

[00:02:41] I think I've said this on podcasts before, you know, even leaving school, every single, every single person went to the one college and I was the only one that went. somewhere completely different. I've always gone against the grain, wanted this huge, [00:03:00] incredible life. And I think that kind of comes from the performing arts industry.

[00:03:03] You're constantly looking at celebrities and people with huge lives and what the performing arts industry can bring you. And I think that's kind of where it lead that it kind of came to me. Um, I think I've also been. Very much a natural born leader since I was slipping out the womb, um, but leading the way and I think that really felt like I got that taken away from me when I left the performing arts industry because in my head, that was the equation of me getting into that celebrity status now for me when I, when I use the word celebrity, I wouldn't like to not be able to walk down the road, go shopping or You know, go and do general day to day things.

[00:03:47] Like, I wouldn't want to be Beyoncé, Taylor Swift vibes, where you're literally locked in your house and you can't do anything. However, I would like to be known, a name, have a book. Um, if people spotted me down the road, they might stop me and ask for a little picture. I see that for me. I don't see this huge, massive, you know full blown celebrity, but when I say celebrity, I just mean a known name within the industry and that's truly what I'm working towards.

[00:04:20] It's truly what I want to step into and what I want to have and I've got it within a very small pocket of the um, online space at the moment, but definitely looking to, to play so much bigger. And I find a lot of my clients who I attract want that too. They want the book deal, they want the, they want to be seen, they want to be known, they want people talking about them and what they're doing, they want to be in that iconic energy, and I see that a lot, the romanticizers, the experience feelers, and actually I see a lot of, a lot of my You know ideal clients who are capable of holding and having such huge levels of success You know having that life where people stop and say whoa I'm ready for that.

[00:05:08] Like i'm in let's go and That main character energy, that, that feeling within that, and what that actually looks like for them, I think brings in quite a few patterns. It brings in quite a few blockages into actually them being that and getting in there. And the first thing that I wanted to talk about today was a couple of beliefs that I see coming up when we really try to move into this.

[00:05:40] Because I think when we are thinking about playing bigger and we have that dream of playing bigger and dream of going bigger and making more and doing more and having more, you, Obviously, uh, wanting it to feel safe and this is the side of the [00:06:00] internet where I want you to know that there is a part of you who wants to be seen.

[00:06:06] There is a part of you who wants to be known. There is a part of you who wants people talking about you and what you're doing and, you know, stepping into that iconic energy. And I want you to know that you can have all of that. And you get to feel safe doing. And you get to feel safe being and having and doing it all.

[00:06:25] Because I think a lot of the times, we really look at the people who are seen, who are known, who people are talking about and what they're doing, that icon energy. There is sometimes, a lot of the time, a lot of negative connotations. To that, right? Which makes it feel so, so unsafe for you to move into. Now, you're seen and known and people talking about you is gonna look very different to mine.

[00:06:53] And that's why I'm gonna share my experience today and you just take from this podcast what you need to. But I really want to have a look at why subconsciously it probably feels unsafe for you to have all of that right now. And there are four things that I see come up a lot, which I'm going to be going into today, which is the fear of being seen, second guessing yourself, holding on to the good old external validation to feel good enough, and you questioning You know, is the way I do things enough?

[00:07:31] Is what I'm teaching enough? Is who I'm being enough? And I really wanted to dive into these four categories today from both a subconscious perspective, but also a neuroscience perspective, because there are things that are happening from a neuroscience perspective that we can have a look at, but equally really having a look at why subconsciously that is showing up for you.

[00:07:55] So if you are currently. In this category of wanting to be seen, wanting to be known, wanting people to talk about you, about what you're doing, leading the way, the iconic energy, the expansion, the book tour, the, you name it, if you are there, we're going to be going through the four things that I see subconsciously that might be happening that is currently stopping you from doing that.

[00:08:22] So let's dive in, shall we? So first of all the fear of being seen and I see this so very often and it's something that I navigate a lot And I think I've spoke about a lot on a lot of different podcasts because I had this very very bad and still have It to an extent where I am now and what I find with the fear of being seen, a lot of it does come back to that early childhood.

[00:08:55] Now, I know I've talked about this a lot, but I used to get heavily [00:09:00] bullied at school. Um, mostly secondary school more than anything. I have a couple of the, you know, the nativity story, me being Mary. Winning the awards and all of that and kind of the comments that were put on that Um for me getting that and i've spoke about that a lot.

[00:09:18] However in secondary school I was just one of these kids that I wasn't necessarily clever. Um My GCSEs were okay, but I used to be quite good at a lot of things, which used to piss people off for some unknown reason. And I see it now even when I'm like reflecting back in different industries or I see things on social media.

[00:09:45] I even see I saw something the other day, I think it was on TikTok, and like, someone had walked into a room really confident and really so self assured, and like, loads of people were making a comment about how cocky they were, and how up themselves they were, and I was like, you can't get away from this.

[00:10:01] Like, there is this absolute common across the board theme where if you have this this, like, deep self belief, and you really show that, and you really step into that, that people don't like it. People do not like it. And I really had this in secondary school, and there was a couple of instances, um, that I always go back to, and so, A lot of the time I was more talented from, like, the performing arts, gymnastics, you know, all of, like, the actual creative side of things.

[00:10:39] Um, I was more talented in maths, not so much. Um, but, you know, anything creative I used to do really well in and there was the popular girls at school, which I was not part of. Um, I was more like a, there was a group of five of us. We were all a bit daft. I used to get in trouble a lot because I laughed all the time.

[00:11:01] I used to do silly things like put my hair on top of my head and spin my hair around. Like, I was just a bit of a dick in secondary school. But like, through not to anyone, like, I was just a bit of a clown. And, the popular girls at school, um, really didn't like my group, and I think because we were like so kind of in the middle, you know mean girls where it's like, the, the tables, we were just like kind of, got along with everyone, was quite good at things, um, people quite liked us, a lot of the lads hung around with us because we were just kind of in the middle, anyway, the popular girls didn't like that, and so any given chance that they had, they would, shots fired.

[00:11:49] And usually for me, it would be about my weight, constantly being called fat. I was in secondary school, but it's by the, by the by, we're not talking about that subject [00:12:00] today. But I remember in PE, And I, literally, how ridiculous are kids? Like, I reflect back on this and I'm like, what the hell? In PE we were doing certain acrobatics, and because I was a dancer I was very flexible, so I could do like a bridge, I could do splits, I could do walkovers, backward walkovers, and so could like my other two friends as well, and like, we'd come up with this little dance, and we'd done this little thing, and then all of a sudden, the popular girls were like, Oh.

[00:12:30] So you're copying us now, are you? And we had this like full on, they had this full on row with us in PE. Continued to carry it on down the corridor, like I was literally running for my life down the corridor. And every time I'd put myself out, every time I'd put myself out there, Every time I'd do something where I was like wow, I'm really proud of that or wow I felt really good then or wow that felt actually really amazing.

[00:12:59] I would always get backlash Every time and to be honest even now I get it. I got it when I got engaged I know. Um, I had several remarks about how many times I'd showed my ring on my private Instagram. So, no matter what I did, even to this day, even a month ago, two months ago, I would every time put myself out there.

[00:13:27] And I would get backlash. Now, if we looked at that from a subconscious perspective, my subconscious then completely links me talking about myself, me showing my success, me opening up about what I'm doing, me celebrating my life. equals you're gonna get hate, basically. Or you're gonna be judged more than anything.

[00:13:53] Not all the, not all the time is it hate, but I'm definitely judged. So actually, I have a lot of evidence around the fear of being seen. I have a lot of actual things that have happened to me. Actual people who have kicked off. Actual things that have happened. That when I've done something that's either really successful or that I'm really proud of or that was a really huge decision.

[00:14:22] You know, me leaving Australia and starting a relationship with Jack. Everything that I've done that's felt scary or that's felt really big at the time, I have had backlash about. Now. I wanted to bring this up today because it's all well and good, me saying to you, look for the evidence in the other places.

[00:14:43] Look for the evidence that's going to support you. But I have a lot of clients who are like, Beck, I have actual evidence of this belief being true. Like, the more I'm seen, the more I'm judged. And What I, the reason why I wanted to bring this up today is because [00:15:00] I've had it my whole life And I'm sure it's not as severe as a lot of other, you know Experiences that you might have had or bullying or whatever that is But I have a lot of evidence in my life that the the bigger I play the more successful I get the more money I make The better the business does, the better my life gets, the more people judge me.

[00:15:26] Now I could let that stop me. I could have let that stop me a very, very long time ago. And if I did, I would not be here on this podcast. I would not be here with this business. I wouldn't have the life I have. I wouldn't have the clients I have. I wouldn't even have this business. I wouldn't even have this business and I think the more that you flex the muscle of being seen and you do, granted, get the judgment or get the hate or whatever it is, you know, have a look at Molly May's posts sometimes.

[00:16:02] There is haters out there, there is keyboard warriors and they're going to be there. They are going to be there, and everyone is going to have an opinion, but it's what you do with that opinion that really fucking counts. And one thing that I always say to my clients, and this is a question that I always ask myself, is what am I making this mean about me?

[00:16:26] What story am I making this mean about me? So for example, I'll use the fresh one, the engagement pictures. I was funnily putting up a lot of pictures of my ring, and not even funnily, I get to put a lot of pictures up of my ring. It's a fucking beautiful ring. However, I had three people From my old job, when I worked more in the performing arts, I had three people message me, who were my friends, they were my friends, and they said, Beck, you're, you're absolutely killing me with these ring photos.

[00:17:03] Like, it was just like, it was a very snide, small comment, that I was like, okay. Lovely. So instead of, you know, celebrating, instead of not saying anything at all, they'd gone out their way to comment about how many photos I'd put up about my ring. Now, I could have took that as a, oh my god, I'm showing off too much, people are hating it, let me stop posting about it.

[00:17:27] Like, I could have took that and made this whole freaking narrative about it. I could have. And I did. for a short moment when she first messaged. But, I was like, what am I making this mean about me? Because actually, and I've said this time and time again, usually, nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with you.

[00:17:53] It has more to do with the person who is messaging, or saying that comment, or [00:18:00] sharing their opinion that's coming from their map of the world. It has more to do with them than it will ever have to do with you. And actually, you being that trigger for them just means that they've just got a bit of work to do for themselves.

[00:18:14] So, I had to create safety around being the trigger for people. And I am. I am a trigger for people. I know that. But I had to create safety to be able to show up anyway. Because the fear of being seen has to come with the price of being seen. In order for you to get what you want, in order for you to be seen, to be known, to have people talking about you, what you're doing, and that iconic energy, you have to put yourself in a place where some people might not agree.

[00:18:53] Might not resonate, might not understand, might hear it in a different way. And I have spent so much of my life trying to mould the narrative of what people think about me. And how I can make them see that the judgement that they're having with me is wrong. And I have spent so much energy on those people.

[00:19:19] I have spent so much energy trying to tell them how kind I am, how much I care, how much I love what I do and why I'm saying these things. You know, I have a lot of friends who have been triggered by my marketing. God knows why they're still watching my stories because they're not my ideal clients. But, you know, I, I do things in a specific way because of the business or because of the marketing or because of how I want to be seen and how I want to show myself on Instagram.

[00:19:47] Instagram or online, and I have to be okay with them receiving it the wrong way, and I really want you to be okay with that too. And yes, it's hard. It's hard to receive those comments. It's hard to receive that feeling. It's hard to receive someone not enjoying me putting up a hundred pictures of my rink.

[00:20:11] But actually, was I having the best? fucking time of my life. Had I just got engaged in a private helicopter over the New York skyline? Yes, I had. And no story, no judgment, no single person was ever going to take that away from me. So when it comes to the fear of being seen, have the fucking fear and do it anyway.

[00:20:40] Because there's always going to be people out there that don't resonate, there's always going to be people out there that have an opinion, that mock you, that take the piss out of you, that tell you that you're wrong, that tell you that they don't agree, but actually Are you gonna let them stop you from living the life of your motherfucking dreams?

[00:20:58] No, you are [00:21:00] not. So I could speak a lot about clearing, clearing the subconscious of the bullying and, and all of that, which I have done. I have done and I think it's very important to do, especially because the fear of being seen is going to really activate the amygdala. This is more of the neuroscience perspective.

[00:21:20] I'll just go into this as we've naturally segued. And. The, the amygdala, which I spoke about a little bit before, it's part of the limbic system within our brain, it's, it, it really is a crucial process and a crucial role in the, the process of emotions, especially fear. So when we look at the context of being seen, boom, the amygdala is going to, trigger, the fear response, is going to trigger us into fight or flight reaction if we have something, if we have a chink in our armor, like I have.

[00:21:53] You know, I have a chink in my armor about what I think people think about me. So the moment, boom, that comes in, the moment the comment's there, the moment someone disagrees, the moment someone doesn't like something, the moment, I don't know, there could be many moments in being seen, the moment that that happens, I really have to calm my amygdala down.

[00:22:15] One of my clients calls her Amy. Amygdala Amy. She has to calm Amy down because there's no need for me to be in fight or flight. There is no need for me to sit and make a goddamn story up about this person who is no longer in my life. Or nine times out of ten, the keyboard warriors, they don't even have a username.

[00:22:39] You know, if we look at TikTok. And I'm still, I'm still going through that bridge. I'm still working on that. So, what I wanted to say about the fear of being seen is exactly that. There is always going to be a fear. The fear of social rejection, the fear of judgement. It is a survival mechanism. We are here to protect ourselves.

[00:23:03] So, the moment we make ourselves stand out is the moment that we are making ourselves bigger. Is the moment that we are putting the spotlight on ourselves. So there's going to be people looking. And if you want that, you are going to have to be okay with being fully seen. And it's actually what you respond to it that is going to be the key here.

[00:23:28] So it's not actually working through the fear of being seen to an extent, and like I said, with the subconscious definitely do the work to be able to get yourself to take the actions to be seen. But when you're taking the actions to be seen, it's just around creating the safety. And even though I've had the comments, and I've been bullied, and All of that happened in my past and still carries on to this day.

[00:23:51] I'm sure many people screenshot my stories and have a little conversation behind the scenes about me and what I'm saying. But, who's [00:24:00] it affecting more? Who is it affecting more? If I let it, it will affect me more. And if I don't, if I don't create the story around it, if I don't take it on as my belief, if I don't take it on as my story, I can let that go.

[00:24:19] I can let that go and move on, and I will carry on building my life. I will carry on building my wealth. I will carry on. Going after my dreams, and that's what's more important. Whoo, I did not know we were gonna go there today. Anyway, that was the fear of being seen. We went deep there guys, we went deep.

[00:24:39] But, I, I really mean it. It is so important because a lot of the, a lot of the messaging that I've been talking about recently, you know, being the celebrity in your niche, really stepping into that iconic energy, leading the way. Being the leader means that you have to be seen, you have to be known, you have to have people talking about you, good or bad, and actually being okay with the fear and feeling the fear and doing it anyway, that's what's going to flex the muscle for you and it's.

[00:25:11] definitely what the flex the muscle for me. So the second thing we see, the second thing I see a lot is second guessing yourself. Now when it comes to second guessing yourself this is literally a subconscious distraction because the women who are in this world who know what they want, unbelievably self aware, have this huge vision of where they're going.

[00:25:39] They know exactly what you should be doing. You know exactly what you should be doing. And actually, the second guessing yourself is just habitual. The second guessing yourself is just sabotage. The second guessing yourself is just prolonging the fact that you are going to be successful because a lot of these tie back into the fear of being successful.

[00:26:07] The fear of having it all, which I've spoke about on many podcasts. So when you second guess yourself, a lot of the behavior behind second guessing yourself is because you are just prolonging what you're trying to trying to achieve. You're just prolonging what you're second guessing yourself on. You know, you have the idea in your head, nine times out of ten you absolutely know the strategy, you've just not followed through with it long enough, and you sit in the second guessing of yourself because it just enables you to prolong the success.

[00:26:42] The more you second guess yourself, the less the success will be. And that's what happens. And when you're constantly evaluating, re evaluating the risks, the outcomes, but what about this? But what about that? But what about that? It just adds on [00:27:00] days. Or hours, and days, and weeks, and months, and all of a sudden one year has gone by and you're like, oh, okay, well if I just did that 12 months ago, where would I be now?

[00:27:15] And I think like, So, when you are, if you are in the second guessing of yourself right now, probably down to the kind of thought pattern around that, is what are you stopping yourself from doing? So that the second guessing yourself and where that's coming from, what are you trying to move towards right now that you're currently second guessing yourself?

[00:27:37] And I think if someone put a gun to your head and said you've got to make this decision now or you're gone, you would definitely make the decision. So actually, it is just a subconscious ploy to keep you safe, and again, creating the safety around that as well. The next thing I see is holding onto external validation to feel good enough.

[00:27:59] Ooh, lordy, lordy. And I think especially when we get into the scope of being seen, the scope of being known, the people talking about you, what you're doing, the iconic energy. Of course, you are going to have an external buzz around you. Like, if you get into that, if you go viral, if you go, you know, all of those things that we see on social media, you are going to be receiving a lot of external validation.

[00:28:34] And actually, external validation triggers the brain reward system, which releases the dopamine. So you're just constantly in this like, Oh, look at me. Yeah, let me go. Woo, woo, woo. On to the next, on to the next, on to the next. However, If we do that, what we're actually doing is we're reinforcing the behavior of relying on the external validation.

[00:29:00] Because you'll be seen, and you'll be known, and people will be talking about you, and you'll get your external validation, and you'll get it, and you'll get it, and you'll get it, and then one day That will become your normal and you'll no longer get the external validation from it and then where do you go next?

[00:29:17] This is why a lot of celebrities end up in rehab. So, I don't want you to end up in rehab. I want you to not hold on to External validation because when we hold on to external validation to feel good enough, when we have a reel that goes viral, when we have someone buy, when we have people praise us, it feels really good, of course, and it gets to feel good.

[00:29:46] And it's okay for that to feel good. However, we don't want to be relying on that too much. in order for you to feel good enough full stop. So I really want you to have a look at how [00:30:00] you can feel good enough with or without the being seen, being known, people talking about you and what you're doing.

[00:30:08] Because if you're currently holding on to that to give you the good enough one, Your subconscious won't let you feel good enough until you get there. And two, when you do get there, there's going to be something else that you've moved towards on the um, imaginary goal post and you still won't feel good enough because then you'll put another imaginary goal post up.

[00:30:28] So, looking at how you can be that feeling, how you can be How you can feel good enough with or without that status, with or without that iconic energy. And this is what I see a lot of the really, really successful coaches do in the industry is it's that deep, deep, deep, deep self belief. and deep worthiness and deep feeling of good enough that actually brings the energy.

[00:31:02] And you know how we say about the radio station when you're kind of vibing on the one radio station and your kind of dreams and your, your desires are on the same radio station. Things start happening. Opportunities start coming in. Your RAS starts to change what it sees. So actually, we need to do it the opposite way around.

[00:31:21] We don't need to wait to be seen, known, people talking about you and what you're doing for you to feel good enough. I want you to feel good enough and then have that on top of it. Because that's going to feel way more sustainable, it's going to feel, you're going to feel good enough no matter what, and you're not holding on to that being the ballpoint of your life being successful, and it's really, really important that we do this.

[00:31:47] The last thing that I see is that questioning of like, is the way I do things enough? Like that kind of introspective self reflection, you know, actually what happens is that You're questioning your adequacy, right? You're questioning your, um, your worth, again. And really having a look at what's making you question it.

[00:32:09] Again, it's probably a safety ploy from the subconscious mind. And, you know, am I good enough for everyone? Is the way I do things good enough? It kind of holds onto the external validation bit a little bit. But I think again, it comes back to that knowing and having that self belief that literally makes you skyrocket.

[00:32:30] And that is what I instill within my clients day in day out because yes, I want them to have all the business success in the world. I want them to have all the success that they dreamed of when they were working with me, but equally I want them to feel so freaking good about themselves and that to be honest is more important for me.

[00:32:57] It's more important for me to get [00:33:00] them into a space. where regardless what happens, regardless of the success, regardless of the money in their bank account, they believe in themselves, they feel worthy, they feel good enough. And the clients that I've seen who have truly allowed that happen for themselves, Absolutely skyrocket with their success as well.

[00:33:26] It comes hand in hand and we always think about the kind of strategy and the next thing and what I should be doing more of and I need to post here and I need to post there but actually the clients who have done the most amount of work in really solidifying the self belief, the self worth, the self love have shot to success so much quicker.

[00:33:50] So, I hope you've enjoyed today's podcast episode. We've been round the reeking, I feel, but I am here for it and I'm also here for you because I want you to, I want to let you know that it's safe to go there. I want you to know that it's safe to be successful, it's safe to be seen, it's safe to be known and To be really fucking loved and create the impact and the legacy and everything that you're going after right now and it just comes down to that subconscious programming that I help you with within my world.

[00:34:27] So, I'll see you in the next episode. I love you and uh, buh bye!

More about Higher Self & I:

Higher Self & I is the podcast for ambitious female entrepreneurs who are ready to achieve and sustain mind-blowing results in their biz. It’s a show that will release you of your victim mindset and give you complete freedom and energy to jump into the self you always knew you could be. Each week, Rebecca Haydon will help you lock your mindset into gear and empower you to step into the person you always knew you were meant to be – a bad-ass CEO who is here to claim her freaking millionaire life!

Rebecca Haydon

Stop Playing Small: Overcome the Fear of Being Seen & Judged by Others [ep. #166]

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